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After 20+ years of marriage, I can't avoid the fact any longer that my most intense turn-on is linking sex with the exchange of power, through spanking, bondage, roleplay etc.

My wife is not into this. I am determined to raise it again with her but I need to know--is divorce (with kids I'd rather not do that) the only answer. Plus, I love her and want to explore this with her!

Please help!

If you really love her, you'll respect her wish NOT to be "into" that.
What if HER most intense turn on is sex with a stranger she picks up--would you go for THAT? Sometimes what you want and what you can have are very different, and if you can't live that way, you have no choice but to divorce.

I think it's kind of wrong to want a divorce because she isn't into the same kind of sexual activity as you are. Why don't you try baby steps. Start out with a few toys and ease your way up into the other things you might be interested in and see if she agrees to it. You can't just force sexual activity that she doesn't want onto her and give her an ultimatum, that's just wrong. I admit I am pretty open in the bedroom, but I have certain things I don't want to do and to go from normal sexual positions to bondage and spanking is an extreme jump.

I think it's sad and pathetic that you didn't respect her the first time she said she didn't want to. And that you base your whole marriage on sex. If you really loved her, you would not be thinking of divorcing her because she isn't comfortable with certain sex acts.

What is your wife into? Maybe if you discovered her fantasies you could come to some compromise. Not everyone is into the more than vanilla sexual contact. Whatever you do don't pressure her. Just a thought do you want her to be in control?

Sometime one must ask what they really have and really want? What is more important to you? Alimony and child support? Talk to her first and explore life together. I'm sure the two of you can come to a good answer between the two of you. To me family is the best decision but to what is what?? There is always marriage counseling together.

I've always wondered about men who can't seem to understand why some women don't want to be dominated. Why don't you ask her WHY she's against it? Maybe she was abused as a child, or maybe she has some bad feelings associated with spankings... or maybe she just doesn't like the thought of giving over all power and control to you.

If you think she doesn't have aversions, then try leaving information for her or gradually integrating it into your lovemaking. Start out with a slap on the behind and see how she takes it. If she's not into it, I strongly suggest you either curb that part of your personality, or else find someone else to Dominate.

Usually in a S&M Fantasy it is rare that a couple will explore this together. Usually one has to have a second partner accepted by the wife or husband to help perform these acts.
If your wife does not want to accept these facts about you than you are stuck. But do not push the kids because you have fantasy's by divorcing the mother. You will just need to work on your wife to get her involved. Start slowly with her..Maybe let her start off by showing power over you. Tell her to use her aggressions against you. You may need to give her permission to express those feelings. Make sure you make her feel safe with a special Key Code Word that you both understand and that has nothing to do with sex like, "Cookies", so she knows she has an exit if she is uncomofortable in the situation. A little at a time. She may need time to get use to it. I am sure she is courious, just scared to explore this with you. Your job is to make her feel comfortable and safe before anything else.
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